Chasing Ghosts

It's been a rough few weeks.

And a weird, busy summer.

I've been holding off writing (for too long) waiting to find the inspiration to talk about what's been going on with me, spiritually, but I'm having a hell of a time putting it into words.

Autumn is the season of the Pagan New Year. Of Samhain, of the growing dark, becoming introverted and introspective as the sky darkens, the air cools, our schedules start to wind down.

My practice has not been as active this summer as I would like - it happens every year, and I always feel like I am "missing out" on the season when everything is most vibrant, most alive, most buzzing with energy. But I haven't been, really. I have been vibrant, and alive, and buzzing with energy - albeit frequently exhausted. I suppose in some ways it does mimic patterns of the older ways of living - summer would be a haze of activity, planting, tending crops, working on house and homestead in fair weather,  the first work of the early harvest.  When the first whispers of winter wind around us, the days have come when we can settle and turn inward until the coming of the spring again.

I have felt a fair and odd amount of discord these days. Things are shaking loose, shaking up, stirred around. I am standing firm in some ways, and standing aside in others that I thought I would not. Miscommunication has been a bastard dog at my heel, and I am learning to separate things I must own as my doing from things that are not.

I once apologized for everything. And then, headstrong and mighty, apologized for nothing. Now I learn the hard lessons, that sometimes I must apologize for some things, but sometimes I should not - will not - will never - apologize. Learning to intuit the difference makes me mightier still.

I suppose it shouldn't shock me - a certain deity who likes dramatic change and transformation and kicking rocks at hornet nests approached me, and I have tentatively agreed to work with him. His energy is interesting to me - warmer and friendlier-seeming than the Alfather, but bouncing and giddy and a bit mad, and tugging at the corners of your mouth into a wry grin but you're not quite sure what's so gods-damned funny. I don't trust him any more than I trust Odin - but oddly have come to determine I also don't trust him any less, either. I'm still working out my thoughts on the matter.

I finished reading RitualCraft - such an easy read for such a massively thick, heavy, fine-print book. I was pleasantly surprised. I learned a lot (including that I love high drama and formal language in ritual...) I'm not a fan of the tendency to list gods by what they can be summoned for - a "correspondence" chart listing deities alongside herbs and crystals for specific wants or problems, rituals where every god fitting a certain archetype is called.... But I think (correct if I am wrong) that that is a pretty Wiccan thing, and it is a Wiccan book, so...  I guess I'm a "firm" polytheist - the gods may ultimately draw from shared wellsprings of human history and consciousness, and so overlap somewhat, but they are not merely symbols that can be interchanged with one another and called on for everything when there has been no working relationship established.

Once things settle down, since I finished my first year's worth of post-initiation reading for IDGAF, my next "learning project" will be taking time to really devote and properly commune with my gods. Most of my work I've done with Odin - I would like to take the time to learn the others who have approached me, or that I've made entreaties to (with proper thanks and agreed payment given after) , and form proper relationships with those who plan to stick around.

I have more to share, so much more, but I have not the words for it all. But change has been wrought, and is being wrought, and I cannot wait to tell about it.

Welcome to the new blog.

Welcome to the new me.

Hail and farewell for now. 

Still alive

So I've been scarce. I still have a lot churning in my brain I have to unpack before I can really tell much about it. 

I've been oddly disconnected lately. My altar sat in a mess for two weeks, I finally got it back in order, and realized (somewhat guiltily) that I haven't made any offerings to my gods in... Awhile. I at least haven't been begging their help either, so I'm not being exploitive or needy, but I need to get on that. 

Some of it is just business. After a few blissful months, work has been hectic because of vacations leaving us perpetually short a body. It's still nowhere near as bad as it was--but still a culture shock, and of course it's coupled with summer being such a busy time in the "real world". A few of my lovely IDGAF brethren pointed out that spiritual energy ebbs and flows like any other--and summer is a season of life and busy activity, so it may be somewhat natural that physical realm matters are keeping me tied and away from the otherworldly ones.

But I can hear voices, feel brushes of fire "out there" and I've slipped into old lazy habits of not making time to go see them. 

A new energy is approaching me as well, and I am 99% certain I know who it is--based on feels and readings and my Familiar's input. It's going to make things... Interesting. I can't even honestly question why he showed up. I know in my heart I called him, in my own way, without wholly meaning to, but simply in the way these things happen. 

I finished my fifth book since my Initiation (of 6 "learning opportunities" needed in a year). A Deed Without a Name by Lee Morgan. 

I enjoyed it quite a bit, though I have...a few issues with it. The author clearly has their own very specific definition of what a witch is--which is fair. I don't quite fit it, but still found s lot of value. That the book lends no real credence or credit to other ways of doing things, of other "types" of witches, may be bias or just "short book". The book seems to imply, for example, that carnal interactions with one's familiar or "fetch mate" are very common, but I don't know many self-described witches who've had encounters like that. The author makes mention of "the Master" but never really explains who that is.  Whether that is meant to mean "the devil" or some other force is never really clear. 

The author also lists several rituals at the back of the book--gives fairly explicit instructions (while stressing for some that this should only be done if you are already skilled in the area) and provides chants for them which she doesn't explain. Some are in English, but she never says anything about where they came from--whether they are made up or historical. There are also chants in some... Non-English language (they don't look like any language I'd be even remotely familiar with.) There is no info given about what language they are in, what they mean or where they came from. They could be made up nonsense words for all you can tell. Given the stress on being experienced before trying these things, giving mysterious chants in full with no context or background seems oddly dangerous a practice. 

This reminds me a lot of A Witch Alone, a book I found a lot of issues with--but still got a lot out of, in the end. I'd recommend it if the subject matter is of interest, but I took a fair bit of it with a grain of salt.

My next book... Since I'm apparently feeling both brave and crazy, will be RitualCraft by Azrael Arynn K and Amber K. It's... Huge and fine print and oh god I might be crazy.

Hope to have more soon.